:::another chapter

Friday, April 28, 2006

3 oreos, death cab, pen and paper

thank god for music and writing..i wouldnt have survived sitting there in silence..i never knew it'd feel like this. never knew it would even happen. it's funny how u lose your ability to taste when u lose your ability to feel. tried to sleep.. but it's just too painful to close my eyes. tried not live in denial.. but i think im kinda doing myself more damage now. im still kinda lost. i dunno if what im doing is right..i still dunno what happened. maybe im just stubborn? and the more i think of it the more i get confused. but is it worth it to compromise your happiness for something else? why is it so difficult to like balance both? i dunno.. did i make the wrong decision? but if i did then why is it whatever ben said made so much sense? argh.. why is it so damn freakin hard to be free and happy?! i dont get it.. dont wanna either..im just one confused kid thinking aloud..

so i finally felt what it is like to wanna stop tearing so badly but yet it just flows.. and then after u've calmed down and just when u thought maybe the pain sorta like subsided, it hits and u feel like crying and releasing everything out but the tears just dont come out.. sucks big time i tell u.. it's like there are no more tears left or something.. my tear factory broke down.. :(

anyway... thanks ben for the late night therapy session. was "calming" like how u'll say it. haha.. i appreciate it alot Dr Ben-derrik.. haha.. :)

ecrit ||12:17 AM 0 comments

Thursday, April 27, 2006

beyond pain

what's going on? why is it that things end this way? why does it feel so bad? why do things need to come to an end even? 3 pieces of oreos and they all taste worse than crap..why is it that it's only the bitterness that i can taste right now?? whatever happened to the sweet cream? im so confused that my head hurts from trying to figure out what has just happened. wait.. did it really happen? or am i dreaming? perhaps my brain has ceased to register anything. perhaps it's beyond acceptance.. it's like my body's rejecting the reality of it. i don't even have a clear recollection of what has happened. everything's just a blur. didnt know how it started, didn't know what i said, didnt know why.. don't know how or why or what for that matter..

ecrit ||1:04 AM 0 comments

Monday, April 24, 2006

what's wrong?

i would rather avoid the conlfict than face it
so does it mean i dont care?
maybe cuz ive put in all my efforts,
tired my best i can,
used up all my energy,
tired my very hardest,
and now.. perhaps u should try?
it's not that u dont try.
i believe u do
but why are things like this?
why is it so difficult for it to work?
am i so clouded my the fear of it not being able to?
am i just so blinded to see the actual truth?

ecrit ||11:53 PM 0 comments

Sunday, April 23, 2006

argh!!! there's a freakin irritating mosquito in my room which doesnt wanna get out!!!! and it's bugging me flying all over! rah.. die die die!!!! or just pls get out!

ecrit ||10:33 PM 0 comments

April Live! - The Saturday night that Rocked!

it was a really painful start to the day..having to get my so freakin early to get to sch on time for the jc interview help out thing.. and it was also painfully boring waiting for time to pass.. everyone was bored to tears and feeling sleepy... and i was struggling to keep my eyes open..

so after i followed the guys down to support ben and shaun at shaun's church.. haha.. i must say it was the right decision to go.. was way way better than what i would do if i didnt go.. so yep.. the concert was great.. everyone was really all hyped up and all and the music was great.. i wonder why trinity never has these sort of concerts considering the really good equipment they've got.

oh well.. anyway.. shaun's band was pretty awesome i must say.. especially the guitarist.. impressive! it was quite funny though realizing ben like faced only faced us when he was performing and had his back to like half the crowd.. haha.. and pirate happily went nuts and like lost it for a moment.. justin and i were equally shocked.. haha..but it was fun..

after which we had supper at rochor road or something.. um.. that dao hui place.. yea.. and ive never experienced such a big crowd of cs gathering/outing before.. haha.. was suprisingly not that weird.. unless i was oblivious again. but yea.. something different.. like what ben said, "so many different groups together" and i must agree it's a pretty rare sight considering how cliquish cs is..

and another crazy thing was that wheni took the cab home with scott.. and after getting off he called and told me the taxi uncle had like fallen asleep while driving!! the uncle told him that he fell asleep and scott had to like constantly talk to him to keep him awake the rest of the way home to boon lay.. haha.. tt's something shocking u dont hear often..imagine what would happen if he had fallen asleep and like driven off the road or something!

and finally i can get some proper sleep that i've waited so long for..

ecrit ||3:09 AM 0 comments

Saturday, April 22, 2006

tears of 20..

im glad everything's over
im glad ive begun this new chapter
i didnt expect such a rough start
but it's only the beginning so i won't give a f***

2 pieces of news got me down real bad
made tears of 20 flow,
made everything seemed like it was gonna be bad

i sat and pondered, and thought real hard
pain was overwhelming, i couldnt take it in my heart
my eyes were puffy, nose was red
im sure i might haven been mistaken for rudolph in that state

but still i cant figure what the hell went wrong
what i did or didnt do, why on earth is everything taking so long
i never understood what, or why, or how
i had lost 2 of the most important people,
2 people i had loved the most

well it's not exactly lost, but i know something inside died
not 1 but 2
was it me, or was it u?

so i sit here and continue to ponder
it's amazing how ur brain wonders
i wanna cry, but yet laugh at the same time
everything seems twisted,
perhaps ive sorta lost my mind

i know i like you, and the times we've had,
was it just me that made things so bad?
am i just a stubborn girl, who likes having her way
dearie u cant blame me, if i was spoiled by my dad

it's funny in a freaky way,
to like u and hate you too
maybe u wont ever get it
yes, im talking about you.

u are oblivious, blinded and in your own world
it's just you, i wonder when you will
understand the things that are going on around
i cant believe ive churned out so much crap and still,

have got lots to say, to free my thoughts
but hey, what's the point, id rather throw some rocks
into the great big ocean, and get some response
ripples are pretty, im sure the ocean talks

fret not babe, it's not over
it's every single one of you that bears this crap
dont fight it, just embrace it, it aint that bad

goodness gracious.. i cant believe i came up with that crap.. but yes. like what i said.. it's crap..

ecrit ||12:40 AM 0 comments

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Death of a centipede...

yes.. today i witnessed the most horrible death any living can ever get. it was way way disgusting. we went to canteen 2 for lunch today after 104 paper and try to eat and study french at the same time. and when i sat down siting and i saw this huge brown thing on the floor. so after close scutiny we realized it was like sort of a dead centipede. ok. so the sight of one already makes my hairs stand.. but wait till u hear what happen. the disgusting limp thing was about 7cm long lying in the middle of the canteen floor with hundreds of legs trotting across. and if u thought that was bad, some china guy happily came and stepped righ onto it and flattened the poor lifeless creature crushing all it's bones and spilling the guts out.. absolutely disgusting. i couldnt bare to look at the thing again.. and after tt people who walked by seemed to be oblivious to what's on the ground and many feet continuted stampeeding over the centipede which was now beyond it's death. and later to my utmost horror some cheena girl came, slapped hir slipper right onto it and dragged her feet along with the crushed creature under her. and being completely unaware of what had just happened.. she yaked on in chinese to her friend and the poor thing was now not only flattened but crushed and disfigured and looked like a ball of black mass on the floor. so who would have thought that black thing on the floor was once a disgusting creepy crawlie which went thorugh the most horrible death u can imagine! i guess im still kinda in shock.

haha.. after reading it it sounds so much like one of those essays we use to write in primary school. cool..

ecrit ||5:20 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

sometimes its best not to know stuff..

ever since God created man, man has craved for news and happenings and felt the need to feed their mental hunger. generally, all of us are curious. we seek to find out about new things, the latest happenings, things that we dont know. like what all famous people and ministers say, "knowledge is power"

being curious all the freakin time, i sometimes beg to differ.

knowing too much about someone causes many problems.
knowing too much about someone/something can make you feel bored.
worst of all, knowing too much about someone you don't really know can make you feel inadequate, and sometimes reallly dumb.
then what happens if you know too much of someone you shouldnt?
you think you know what you see, but how much of what you see is really what goes on inside? all of us are born actors and actresses. what you get is never what you think you would. and in today's commercial world, packaging is almost everything. weird.
i don't get it why we all crave news and crave to be the news at the same time. ok. and yes im generalizing. but just a thought..

and im surprised pple actually do read. haha.. despite all the nonsense i put up.
maybe i should add a tag board. anyone wanna help me make one?!

ecrit ||12:06 AM 0 comments

Sunday, April 16, 2006

up to the brink.

everyone's just going berserk with the stinkin exams! it's perpetually like taking your As every sem. i dun think ive ever studied so much. argh. it's just gross. studying should be fun. as with learning new things. not forced and dreadfully painful. it's less than 24hrs till the start of the countdown to freedom! awesome. just wanna get things over and done with. and by the grace of God do well.

amazingly at one point of time, sch this sem was actually fun. yes. just one particular point of time. and i thought i was crazy.

ecrit ||5:27 PM 4 comments

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

cranberry butter
smells absolutely fantastic.
yet another day of trying to sit still and cram everything in my heard while trying not to let a million and one things get to me. im a sucker for distractions. so many things, so little time.

stuff to get done:
- start work! busy busy. new portfolio. july issue.
- get my laptop-acer or fujitsu? help help.. need comments!
- download more songs.. found more nice stuff but my limewire's failing me!! help!
- sort out my home stuff. complicated
- get a new digi cam
- sun tann
- write more
- hopefully try to learn something new.. hmm.. guitar maybe? any teachers?
- revamp this blog. new skin new stuff. it's getting stale.
- print some nice photos

music i wanna get:
Neon
South
Stars
Dandy Warhols
Jem
Dios Malos- you got me all wrong
Theredsunband

and yes.. i just realize i'll turn 20 in 10 days. oh god.. nonono..this cant be happenin..

ecrit ||11:01 PM 0 comments

Sunday, April 09, 2006

"why do you try so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out in the first place?"

was reading a friend's blog and I came across this really nice quote from the movie what a girl wants. it's crazy to see how people try to fit in into all sorts of social circles and groups. Ironic how it seems that we claim that we want to be ourselves and we act so differently when we are with different groups of people. and what's worse is that when really don't care and just be who we are in front of anyone and everyone people get shocked and think that there's something wrong with us. i always used to think that self appearance was not important. apparently it isn't so.

people now take you for who u seem to be, not who you are. Just because you look a certain way and seem like you do certain things people just simply assume that you are that sort of person. Just like if you look like the outgoing party type who just wanna have fun, people just take it that you don't take things seriously or that you only wanna play. It sucks so much I tell you. Stereotyping you just by what they think of you, without even bother getting to know you. I just don't get why people have a certain mindset about someone even before getting to know them properly. Im not judging here, cuz we're all humans and all of us including me have been guilty one time or another of doing it. I just don't get why everything is just about image.

And what's worse is that people perceive you to be one of the so called 'guilty conscious culprit of stereotyping people' just cuz of what they think of u! major major contradiction there. But it happens. Just like how shit happens. just cuz you seem different doesn't mean you're any less off. In fact I'd respect these people even more, rather than those who try to conceal who they really are and try to fit in. least these people are proud of their uniqueness, not ashamed of who they are. So what if the whole world thinks your 'dao' and unfriendly, just cuz they don't bother trying to know the real you. it's ironic how we are made. The more u seem to be confident, the more you are not. The more you seem to be daring and outgoing, they more shy u are inside. People just don't take the time to understand you. looks are definitely deceiving.

ecrit ||4:18 PM 0 comments

Saturday, April 08, 2006

chocked, suffocated, burried..

i havent actually been writing in quite a while.. mainly because exams are in a freakin week. ive never felt this pressed for time.. it's so weird how just one week can trigger weeks of preparation. just for one week of crazy rushing, writing till your fingers goes numb, and shivering both in fear and in the freezing cold exam hall. the week's crazy enough already yet because of that we have to put everything aside just to prepare for it. so much for life's priorities. everyday it's like study study study.. or rather trying to cram that much information into your brain. It's just crazy. Beyond sanity. Sooner before u know it u'll be dreamin of words and theories.. I cant wait for my freedom. Yet it's sad to spend the last few days of sweet 19 mugging your ass off. I dun wanna turn 20.

Studying at starbucks at Holland v was amazingly productive. Ive come to conclude that it's either the combination of caffine+cigarette smell from that place, or that coffee just worked wonders for me for the first time. I think I'd go with the former, cuz coffee never seemed to work for me anyway.

So besides studying everything else involves studying. Pretty darn sad I would say. And it's back to more studying again. I think my brain's gonna explode.

ecrit ||11:58 PM 0 comments

Friday, April 07, 2006

bored on ice cream

ecrit ||1:17 AM 0 comments

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

living on a sugar high..

the final hour..

finally finally finally. it's all over. after like so many freakin weeks of meeting and lit reviews our 105 project's over! everyone went berserk trying to finish our report. complete madness.. we were stuck in the cs club room for like god knows forever! towards the end like ruond 7plus siti told us some ghost story bout her friend in a toilet and angel and i started to freak out. hilarious! was damn funny trying to go to the toilet after that! anyhow. thank god it's over now! here's more crazy shots..

pirate with big shades and his new hair cut.. i miss the shabby hair.. hehe..

doodling! see..all sorts of monstas have come out! they only come out when pple are stress!!

D! crashed our meeting too..

ecrit ||11:25 PM 0 comments

Sunday, April 02, 2006

You've been PUNKED!

yes..definitely one of my favourite days. yesterday was fun...spent the whole day punking people.. hehe..and it got better when angel joined me and my cell for dinner.. man.. it totally made dinner worth going for!

And the winners are:

Most Gullible: it's a TIE! between Angelina and Ben! man..u guys fell for it so many timeS!

The Unpunkable: ok.. other than me..Denise! haha.. damn we couldnt punk you!

Funniest Punk:
Punkie- Angel
Details: So Angel called and say she and melvin are joining the cell for dinner.. haha. and i happily told her i wasnt with my cell.. and was with a certain someone else.. i totally made up this whole story that i had skipped church and went to study with this someone. then i was near the area so i will bring tt someone to go for the cell dinner too so she'd go.. and i thought she had found out or realize by the time she came cuz there were so SO many loopholes..but..this girl's gullible i tell u..
so when she came and i continued it, saying the someone was in the toilet.. then we continued to talk and she asked me a million questions what the hell i was doing with that someone which was damn ridiculous cuz that someone would never in my life go out with me.. or so i think.. ya.. then after like 10mins she was like eh.. why that someone take so long in the toilet one?! so i replied that maybe that someone was fixing that someone's hair.. so the conversation continued and after another 5 mins she asked again.. and so i finally told her.. man.. it was damn funny..k..so inside jokes included.. but hell yes.. haha.. babe.. congrats on winning the Most Gullible Award!

Best Punk: (by angel and me!)
Punkie- Melvin
Details:
OK.. so after angel's punk..we decided to ditch my cell and walk to serenes to get ice cream.. then we walked pass the police station outside crown centre and a BRILLIANT idea struck! haha..so the plan was to call someone and tell them that we're in trouble.. haha.. with the police!
we called Melvin first.. then i said "Hey.. we're kinda in trouble.. we're at the police station now cuz we were laughing and making alot of noise then the police caught us and thought we were under 17.. and demanded for our ICs.. but I didnt bring mine and Angel didnt bring her wallet" so this guy was so serious.. he was like where u guys at, wait. im coming. haha.. and he actually ran to the police station which was near Mad Jacks where the cell was. damn funny man.. haha..so we continued to play this punk on several others.. um..if u've been called last night..haha... yes.. u were part of it too.
ben(sa).. u got punked again! haha.. and im not buying the u didnt get punk thing! lala..hehe..oh and ben(rongjun).. haha.. ya.. u got a miss call from angel cuz we tried calling u too.. and i think pirate also.. D! was smart! haha..didnt fell for it! way to go girl! for that u won The Unpunkable Award!

so that was the 2 funniest..so sad it's over! glad the day didnt go to waste! heh!

ecrit ||6:38 PM 2 comments

Saturday, April 01, 2006

"fashion or style"

yea.. so friday night did happen in the end.. and it was happening..

thank god the moping and feeling sad didnt last.. manage to get kelly to go with me after angel ditch me last min.. girl..u missed out big time..

so the theme was 'fashion or style'. was pretty good in fact. clothes were gorgeous.. models too of course.. and guess who was there?! john johnson! yep.. real hottie.. and he happily took off his shirt in front of us! as in RIGHT in front.. cuz we were quite close to the runway..

anyway.. the whole show went pretty well. they brought the backstage out and used it as the sat.. so people could get their make up and hair done and play dress up and take photos before the show actually started.. quite funky i would say.. and there was a booth with this talented lady customizing t-shirts.. she's damn good at it man..

anyway.. so the whole show was about 'fashion or style'.. was sorta like models vs stylish pple.. so they got like street pple like hip hoppers, metrosexuals, butches..yep.. butches.. and the not so modelesque pple to model their clothes and there was like a "fight" between them and the fashion pple who were the models.. great show.. wensi was one of them modeling too.. did her gym stunts.. was nice..i quite liked the whole show.. was busy snapping pictures.. hehe..

after which my feet were too painful to walk.. i was in a hurry and needed white heels so i took my mum's which were nice.. but a KILLER! pain like hell..they're still a little sore now la..yep..had to trot all the way to great world to get bad and draw money.. almost died! and now i have to start on my horrid 105 research.. im so so so sick of it.

ecrit ||1:46 AM 0 comments